


stitch by stitch, i tear apart

by blowthepiri



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29018424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blowthepiri/pseuds/blowthepiri
Summary: What do you do when you’re usually the happiest person in the room, but you can’t even manage a smile?
Relationships: Han Dong | Handong/Kim Bora | SuA, Kim Bora | SuA & Lee Siyeon, background Kim Minji | JiU/Lee Siyeon, mentioned Kim Yoohyeon/Lee Yubin | Dami
Comments: 16
Kudos: 55





	stitch by stitch, i tear apart

It starts like this.

Girl meets girl.

Girl befriends girl.

Girl kisses girl while very much drunk.

Girl has sex with girl, very much sober. 

Girl continues to have sex with girl.

Girl developes feelings for girl. 

It goes nowhere. 

* * *

Bora prides herself on the fact that she’s never suffered from a broken heart.

* * *

“You want to hang out tonight?” 

Bora isn’t listening, not really. She’s looking at her phone, staring at the _read 2:54 p.m_ , with no response underneath it.

Siyeon slaps her leg, which makes Bora jump. 

“I _said,_ ” Siyeon says, dramatically, “you want to hang out tonight?” 

She doesn’t. She really, really doesn’t.

Just as she’s about to respond, her phone pings. Bora scrambles to pick it up. 

**Handong:** your place, around 9? we can watch a movie too 

Bora bites her lip to hide a smile, and looks up guiltily at Siyeon. Siyeon doesn’t look angry or put-out or anything, though. 

(She does, however, have an expression on her face that Bora can’t quite decipher. Not that she really particularly wants to.)

“I guess I’ll just sit around and wait for Minji to get off work,” Siyeon says with a groan. 

**Bora:** sounds like a plan. :) 

She overthinks the choice of using an emoji for the next three hours. 

* * *

Every time it happens, it’s different. Sometimes they talk first, have a drink or two, flirt and joke until one of them makes their move. Sometimes they try to make small talk but ultimately fail and just get right to undressing. Other times, like now, Handong pushes Bora against her front door without a word and kisses her breathless. 

It’s nights like these that Bora knows Handong wants to be in charge, and she’s more than okay with this. She likes when Handong chuckles hotly in her ear, or makes Bora beg for it. 

She especially likes when Handong sucks little marks into Bora’s skin, bites her in ways that hurt, leaves bruises on her hipbones. 

They lie together for a few minutes when it’s done, after Handong has taken what she wanted, and Bora has gotten what she needed. They’re close enough that Bora can feel the heat radiating off of Handong’s sweaty skin.

(Not touching, though. Bora is a post-coital cuddler, but Handong isn’t a fan. Not that she’s tried, she just doesn’t think that someone as cold as Handong would appreciate being smothered.) 

Handong’s phone pings and Bora watches out of the corner of her eye, sees a name with a heart emoji beside it. She tries to ignore the way her heart falls into the pit of her stomach. 

After a couple of moments, Handong kicks her legs over the side of Bora’s bed and hunts to find her clothing. 

Bora itches to ask her to stay, say _it’s okay, it doesn’t have to mean anything if you spend the night_ , but she keeps her mouth shut. 

Handong leans down, kisses Bora on the mouth. 

“I’ll text you,” she says, voice soft and beautiful, as it usually is. 

Bora nods, replies, “okay,” like it doesn’t hurt when she watches Handong walk out and not look back. 

She curses herself for allowing herself to feel cheap. 

* * *

Bora thinks about the fact that Handong was texting someone else right after their hookup for days. She tries not to, she really does, but her mind keeps drifting back to it. 

She’s stalked Handong’s Facebook and from what she can see, her relationship status is a resounding single. 

Siyeon finally asks, “okay, what’s her Instagram?” 

Bora goes through her following list, finds her username, and tells Siyeon, who pulls it up on her MacBook. 

Siyeon scrolls down a little, finds a picture Handong has with another girl. Scrolls down more, sees more pictures of Handong with the same girl. The captions are simplistic, with hearts and little nicknames. 

“Do you think this was her?” 

“I don’t know. I didn’t get to see the name. I just saw a yellow heart emoji.” 

Siyeon looks at her. “Bora, all of these photos with this girl have a yellow heart emoji.” 

“Fuck.” 

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Siyeon says quickly, going to one of the photos and clicking on the profile of the girl that’s tagged. Her Instagram is locked. 

_Lee Yubin._ Bora has to memorize the name, because maybe she’ll be able to get a better look at Handong’s phone next time they’re together and see the name more clearly. 

“Have you tried just… I don’t know, _talking_ to Handong about this?” Siyeon asks. 

Siyeon’s been known to be a bimbo, sure, but Bora is sometimes amazed at how dumb her best friend can be. 

“Oh, yeah. How do you think that conversation will go?” Bora straightens up, clearing her throat. “Hey, Handong, I know we’re about to fuck, but I’m curious if you’re dating this girl I stalked your Instagram to find.” 

Siyeon just rolls her eyes. “You fire signs are always so dramatic.”

“It’s just not something you bring up to your fuckbuddy,” Bora says. “It’s, like, the first rule.”

Siyeon’s eyebrows raise, her expression _knowing._ It pisses Bora off. “I thought the first rule of being fuckbuddies is not falling for your fuckbuddy.” She sounds accusatory. 

_Too late,_ Bora thinks, regardless. 

Thankfully, Siyeon doesn’t say anything in response to Bora’s silence, she only pats Bora’s thigh comfortingly. 

“I’ll tell Minji I can’t hang out tonight,” Siyeon says, gentle, and Bora loves her so much. “She’ll understand.” 

Bora’s touched, and her eyes well up with tears. 

* * *

The next time Handong is in Bora’s apartment, it’s a completely different vibe. Handong is jubilant, happy, and the sex is more fun than it is intense. 

Handong has a stillness to her, a fence between them with such a far reach that Bora’s not sure she’ll ever be able to cross the distance, but it’s the warmest she’s seen her since they’ve begun this thing.

They’re lying together, both sweaty and out of breath, arms pressed right up against each other. Handong’s hand is on Bora’s wrist, wrapped around it, and it’s a whole lot more distracting than Bora thinks it should be.

“I need to use your washroom, if that’s okay,” Handong says, tentatively. 

“Go ahead,” Bora replies, automatically. 

Handong’s phone pings and Bora lies back down. Tries so hard to ignore it. Truly, she does. She really does. But—

She rolls over onto her side and flips the phone over, seeing a text message. From Yubin. With a yellow heart. 

**Yubin:** i’ll be there to get you in five minutes ;) 

Bora stares at it, as if staring at it will make it disappear, until she hears the tap in the washroom turn off and she puts the phone back where it was and flops back down onto her back. 

Handong comes out of the washroom with her hair in a ponytail, mostly dressed except for a missing shirt. 

She scowers around the room until she finds her top, a little scrap of fabric that Bora really quite likes, and pulls it on. 

Handong comes around the bed and picks up her phone, checks it. She takes a moment, smile on her lips, as she answers the text before sliding the phone into her back pocket. She looks at Bora with a type of fondness that she’s never seen before and it makes Bora’s heart lurch. 

“Tonight was great,” Handong says, softly. She leans down and trails her fingers along Bora’s cheek before kissing her on the forehead. “I’ll text you.” 

There’s an ache in Bora’s chest as she watches Handong leave, yet again. Likely to be picked up by her girlfriend. Or the girl that she likes. Or _something_ , while Bora is left here in her apartment, alone and naked, to pine. 

Bora takes a moment before she grabs her own phone and shoots a text to Siyeon. 

**Bora:** 911 come over please tell minji i’m sorry 

Siyeon responds back automatically.

 **Siyeon:** on my way 

Bora gets up and takes a quick shower, only getting out when she hears her phone ping. Which likely means Siyeon is here and she’s on her way up. 

(She has her own key, luckily, so Bora can stay in the shower a little longer.)

When she comes out, dressed and her hair sticking to her face, Siyeon is on the couch with a bottle of wine and two glasses at the ready.

Bora could kiss her. 

“So, what happened?” Siyeon asks.

Bora sits beside her and chugs the glass of wine Siyeon just poured for her, holding it out for a refill. “Well, we hooked up and it was different. Like, it was less intense and more fun and happy and carefree, nd then she asked to use the washroom and she got a text—”

“Bora, you didn’t.” 

“I just peeked,” Bora says, defensively. “And it was Yubin, with the stupid yellow heart beside her name, saying she’ll be here to come get Handong in five minutes.” She downs the second glass and abandons it on the table, putting her head in her hands. 

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Siyeon says, comfortingly. Her hands rub Bora’s back. 

“Okay, but the _smile_ on her face when she read the text. I’ve never seen her smile like that.” 

Siyeon’s silent for a moment. “I’m going to suggest something crazy.” Bora looks at her. “Maybe you should just talk to her. Ask her if she’s dating this Yubin.” 

“No,” Bora snaps, a little too harshly if the way Siyeon jerks back is any indication. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” She sighs. “I really like her.” 

“No shit,” Siyeon mutters. “It’s obvious. And you’re just hurting yourself by letting it continue this way. If you think she has feelings for somebody else and that’s hurting you, you need to either tell her or you need to end whatever you two are doing.” 

That thought alone makes Bora want to cry, because she really, really likes Handong. More than she thought she ever could. But they’re _friends_ , who have sex most of the time, and Bora wants her in any way that she can. Even if that means—

“Bora, you deserve better, you know. I just want you to be happy.” 

Bora’s eyes well up with tears but she swallows them back, leaning until she’s leaning on Siyeon. “I’ll figure it out,” she promises. 

(She doesn’t.) 

* * *

Bora continues to hook up with Handong. She continues to ignore how she’s falling for her more and more, how she feels pieces of herself breaking off and being given to Handong, who doesn’t even notice.

How she’s withdrawing from everyone in her life, and feeling herself being pulled under, under, under. 

* * *

She sees Handong in public, once. She’s on a work lunch with coworkers, and they’re sitting in a back booth. Handong is there, picking up a to-go order. With the girl from the Instagram pictures, and another girl. The other girl is holding Yubin’s hand, kissing her hair, rubbing her nose on Yubin’s cheek. 

Bora watches from where she’s sitting, noting how sad Handong looks, the way she looks at Yubin every time neither Yubin or her apparent girlfriend is looking at her. 

This just got a little more complicated, and a lot more painful. 

* * *

What do you do when you’re usually the happiest person in the room, but you can’t even manage a smile?

* * *

“Bora.” Siyeon is knocking on her front door. “Bora, I know you’re home. Open up.” 

She doesn’t want to. She stays silent, hears the jingling of keys. She’s cocooned herself on the couch, with a big sweater and a blanket. She stares blankly at the television that’s playing at such a low volume, she can’t hear it. 

“Bora,” Siyeon sighs. “I’ve been texting you all week. Where have you been?”

She shrugs. “I’ve been here.” 

“Minji!” Siyeon calls out. “Minji, I think it’s time.”

“You brought Minji?” 

They both sit in front of her on the coffee table. 

“It’s time for some tough love,” Minji says. She puts her hands gently on Bora’s knees. “Bora, honey. You need to hear this from us. Because we love you and we care about you… you need to end things with Handong.” 

Bora scoffs. “I’m fine.” 

“Bora, you haven’t replied to me in a week. A whole week. You look like shit. Nothing about this screams okay.” 

“I get it, Bora,” Minji says, softly. “You’re going through something. We’re sorry. We want to help you. You know it and we know it, this thing you have with Handong is eating away at you.” 

She looks away from the couple, stung. 

“I’m fine,” Bora tries, and it sounds weak to even her own ears. 

“You’re not fine,” Siyeon snaps. “You’re not fine, and you’re not okay.” She takes a breath to compose herself. “Handong doesn’t like you back, and it sucks. I’m sorry, Bora. I’m really sorry, and she’s missing out. But you deserve more than anything Handong can give you. What she _can’t_ give you.” 

Bora blinks and her vision blurs. 

“I didn’t want this to happen,” she whispers. “I just want to be around her.”

“Is that really what’s best?” Minji asks. “From where I’m sitting, it’s doing more harm than good. And in the long run, while it may hurt initially, cutting this thing off will help.” 

Bora swallows thickly. 

“I don’t—” 

“Bora,” Siyeon says, quiet. “This isn’t good for you. Please, listen to us. We care about you, and don’t want to see you like his.” 

She sighs, shakily. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I’ll be able to end it. I don’t want her to see.” 

“You don’t have to do it in person,” Siyeon says, quickly. “You can just text her. That’s mostly how you communicate anyway, right?” 

Ouch. But, regardless, she nods.

“Bora,” Minji murmurs. 

“I know.” She sniffles. “I know. God, how did I let myself be this pathetic? I’m… I’m Kim Bora. This doesn’t happen to me.” 

“It happens to everyone,” Minji says.

Bora wipes at her face, the tears shining on her hand a brutal mockery. 

“Can you text her for me? And block her number? I don’t—” 

“I’ll do it,” Siyeon pipes up. “I’ll be nice, don’t worry.”

Bora nods and brings her knees to her chest. 

The minutes tick by, slowly, until Siyeon says, “okay. Here’s what I told her before I deleted her from your contacts and blocked her number.” She clears her throat. “‘Hey, Handong, hope this Saturday evening finds you well. I just wanted to let you know that we need to stop whatever this is. No hard feelings.’” 

It’s just the perfect amount of cold for Bora’s taste, putting enough distance between the reason why and the reasons Handong could come up with. 

“Thank you,” Bora whispers. “Both of you. I’m sorry.”

They’re on the couch beside Bora moments later, wrapping her up in their arms. “Don’t apologize or thank us,” Minji says. “You’re our friend. You’re my girlfriends best friend. I need you to be happy so she’s happy, and your happiness is important to me too.” 

Bora doesn’t reply, but she doesn’t have to. 

* * *

Bora still gets sad when she thinks of Handong. Doesn’t think of any fond memories, or remember any good moments that they had, because to her, Handong will always be the person that broke her heart and didn’t care. 

(She thinks that maybe it’s unfair, because she doesn’t know if Handong didn’t care, or if Handong even realized that Bora had feelings for her. She just knows that she doesn’t care enough now to find that out.) 

* * *

When she smiles for the first time in a long time, a genuine, big smile that hurts her cheeks, she thinks that maybe she’ll be fine and that Handong will be a blip on her radar. 

* * *

She sees Handong again, with Yubin and the other girl. They make eye contact, but Bora looks away, pretending like she doesn’t see her. 

Doesn’t know her.

Because she doesn’t.

It hurts. 

* * *

“It will get better,” Siyeon reminds her later on.

(It does.) 

**Author's Note:**

> hehe i'm sorry. 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blowthepiris)  
> [come talk to me about my writing here!](https://curiouscat.qa/blowthepiri)  
> 


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